SPOTLIGHT: What Could Go Wrong by Brett Grayson @FSBAssociates @brettgraysondad

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What Could Go Wrong

by Brett Grayson

A comedic look into marriage, parenting and depression.

Read the excerpt below - it's well worth the laugh!

HAPPY PUBLISHING DAY!

There comes a time when couples decide to create and raise tiny helpless human beings, hoping they one day become non-tiny and less helpless.

This is one family’s journey through ten months of pregnancy (isn’t it supposed to be nine months?), the first years of parental cluelessness, the terrible twos, threenagers, and the few years that follow when they begin to learn about a world that’s even crazier than they are.

Join the author and his wife as they navigate those ten months, from the always romantic conception, to her water breaking in the most unique way possible. Then watch them attempt parenthood, from the seemingly simple routine of dressing their kids for school, to the complex experience of teaching them to use public bathrooms.

It’s mostly a breeze…

No it isn’t. Pre and postnatal complications; battles with their own mental health; and those rapidly growing and irrational miniature versions of themselves. Some of it is devastating. Much of it is overwhelming. All of it challenges them to maintain their sense of humor.

And when they attempted to go on an airplane as a family... that was a sh*tshow.

Brett Grayson is the author of What Could Go Wrong? My Mostly Comedic Journey through Marriage, Parenting and Depression. A successful trial attorney with offices throughout the five boroughs of NYC and New Jersey, he lives in New Jersey with his wife and two children.

An excerpt from What Could Go Wrong? My Mostly Comedic Journey through Marriage, Parenting and Depression by Brett Grayson

Urine Catching

“Honey, I didn’t get my period yet.”

“When were you supposed to?”

“Four days ago.”

“So you’re pregnant.”

“Stop. It’s not a joke.”

“I’m not joking. If you are, that’s great. We’ll deal with it.” (At least 40 percent of me is okay with this statement.)

“Maybe you should pick up a pregnancy test,” Lauren suggests.

“Should I just get one test or a few?”

“Get one. How hard can it be?”

Thirty minutes later, I have the test stick in my hand. I read the instructions: she needs to pee in a cup and we need to dip the stick in the cup. We then wait for either one or two lines to appear. If a second one appears, she’s pregnant.

I get a cup and come back upstairs.

“What are you doing?” Lauren asks.

“What?”

“You think I’m peeing in a ‘#1 GRANDMA’ mug?”

“I thought we had plastic cups. We don’t. This is the first thing I found. Why do you have it, anyway?”

“I forgot to give it to my Grandma for Mother’s Day. I’m not peeing in it, Brett. It’s disrespectful to her.”

“Are you kidding me? This is a much more important life for a mug than just holding coffee 100 times. This mug will confirm if she’s going to be a Great-Grandma for the first time.”

“Whatever. Just give me it.”

Lauren pees in it and we put the test down and discuss what we think it will be. After a few minutes, the second line is sort of starting to come in. But is it?

“Let’s bring it in the other room with better light,” Lauren suggests.

We walk into the other room.

“I think I see a second line,” I exclaim.

“You have the worst eyesight.”

“Well, what do you think?”

“I don’t know. I’m freaking out.”

I go to the pharmacy again and buy three different tests. I take mild notice of how expensive it becomes—as much as you can notice when you’re on a mission.

At home, I’m looking at the pink lines from the first test again. It looks like it came in a bit more.

“The new test says ‘Pregnant’ or ‘Not Pregnant’.”

“Why didn’t you just buy that test in the first place?” Lauren asks.

“I don’t know. Leave me alone. I’m nervous.”

“YOU’RE nervous?”

This test requires you to pee on the actual test stick. She can’t pee, though. I get her water. Finally, she announces that she’s ready to pee.

“Brett, can you hold the stick while I pee on it?”

“I feel like that’s your department.”

“I don’t care whose department it is. There’s no way I’m doing it myself.”

“Fine.”

I hold the test stick under her while she takes what seems like nine hours to start peeing. Finally, pee comes flying out in all directions. I don’t think I ever concentrated on the flow of urine from a female before this moment. It is very different from a man’s flow and there are numerous variables. I am caught off-guard and the test stick may not be sufficiently saturated.

“Why didn’t you get it?” Lauren yells.

“You moved.”

“No, I didn’t.”

We put the test down and wait. The dogs are in their dog bed bored by our bickering.

“If it says ‘Not Pregnant’, are we taking another test?” Lauren asks.

“Yes, of course. That’s why I bought three tests ... that second pink line from the first test really looks like it’s coming in ... is it three minutes yet?” I ask impatiently.

“Why, did you stop looking at the watch?”

“What’s the difference? It will either pop up ‘Pregnant’ or ‘Not Pregnant’. It’s not going to change to ‘Maybe’.”

Lauren is staring at the test stick. “I see an hourglass.” She reads the instructions. “An hourglass means the test isn’t working.”

“I knew it,” I say. “There isn’t enough pee on it.”

We have two tests left. We take one out, but she can’t pee. Again, she drinks a glass of water and we run the faucet. Twenty minutes later, she’s ready.

“Brett, if you don’t catch the pee this time, I’m leaving you and I’m having this baby with a much older French businessman.”

“That’s very specific.”

Fortunately, I have improved my urine-catching skills and the stream flows on the stick for a few seconds. We wait. We look at the first test and the second pink line has gotten more pronounced.

The moment comes – “Pregnant”. We’re as prepared as a piece of sashimi. No turning back now.

From What Could Go Wrong? by Brett Grayson © 2018 by Brett Grayson.